Resolute to rid myself of resolutions

I was asked today if I am make new year resolutions. My answer was a hesitant, qualified 'yes'. They really aren't new. They are modified. I have been working on a few goals for the last two years. This year I resolve to clear the board of all those things that I have been working on. 

     If you think I've lived low budget before, hang on. You're about to experience extreme cheapskate. I am tired of being ruled by green backs. I am going to chronicle this on my blog. 

     One last swing through the house. It's very close to being cleaned out and cleaned up. 

      The new year starts with a new moon. I will focus on the new. New book. New outlook. New experiences.
It's time.

A need for the ghost of the past

"Back in my day"
     You said it so often,
While I always showed respect,
                 I didn't truly listen
I wonder what I missed,
    As I let my mind drift away,
That might be useful to me now,
                 That life is going awry.
What pearls of wisdom did you share?
    While I worried about that daily care.
Not thinking I'd end up here.
                  Could you whisper in my ear?

Because I felt the need to write something.

In the stillness of the night
I sit and try to think of something to write.
Tried all the tricks that I've been taught,
Prompts and routine are all for naught.
Tonight all that comes to mind
Are the troubles of various kind.
Bills that never seem to be paid.
The loved on that to rest is laid.
The friend having cancer cut out,
The only gift wanted, no doubt.
So here it is, Christmas in ten days,
And I sit here in a dark, dreary haze.
It's not that I don't have joy in my heart,
But that sometimes I don't know where to start.
So tonight I'll leave you with this little note;
Take your time to on others dote.
Make a memory, the moments are few
Never miss a chance to say, "I love you"    
For I love you, every one
I'll try again with the new sun. <3

Dying Living

In my life I have had dreams. Those dreams have always included someone else. In the last couple of years I have been working on my dreams. This isn't easy for the mom, born pleaser, thinker of all others that is me. It has also been difficult to over come the idea that I am worth having my dream come true. As hard as those have been, they aren't the worst obstacles.
   The hardest obstacle has been sensibility.
Is it sensible for me to spend time writing when the house needs to be cleaned?
Is it sensible for me to be formatting a manuscript when I could be working a second job?
Is it sensible for me to spend the money on a writing workshop when I have bills to pay?

Well, yeah, it is sensible. It is because this is my passion and craft and hearts desire. I have done all the sensible things I was told I was supposed to do and ended up with holes in my life story.

So, I'm going to be insensible. There will be dishes in the sink. I will live meagerly. I will pay minimums a little longer.

When I die I will say I followed my hearts desire and life was good.

I'm dying living. In loving honor of Diane, who taught me to see the world for real. The pictures don't do it justice.

Super Heros only live forever in comic books.

    It was inevitable. The time had to come. That moment of lost innocence, when a generation realizes that they aren't going to live forever. They may have experienced loss before now. Someone older or a pet, but this is different. Someone their age dies and they face mortality. The realization that the super hero persona they have been exhibiting is a farce, a story, an escape.
    Escape is what some will look for. Don't get close to anyone, you don't have to hurt. Pretend it didn't happen, don't hurt. That isn't an escape, simply a well disguised pretense that will send you to hours of therapy later.
   Some will be thrown back into the daily grind of life, scratching out an existence and hoping for time to feel.
   Others will recognize that it's pain and it will pass, will grieve. Doing so is healthy, but remember to stop grieving and move on to a new appreciation for happy.
   It is part of the shaping of adults. A part that the generation before them had hoped would wait a while longer. But it is here. Innocence is lost. That which you knew you knew, but now you know, will never leave you.
   Pain is energy. Make the choice to turn that energy to positive motion. Grieve, miss, regret, learn, smile, honor, love. Know that you're not alone. The generation before you went through it too. That's why we love you so much.
   Pray.
  

The sun may not be shining, but a new day is dawning

   I got up before dawn today. I made the choice to not roll over and go back to sleep. Having gathered a cup of coffee, a pastry and a note pad; I waited for the sunrise. Sure that it would be magnificent, I was ready to be inspired. But the sun didn't rise. Well, of course it rose, but it couldn't be seen. Lightness evolved, but there was no dramatic sunrise.
   How often life is like that. We sit, posed and ready for greatness; instead we get quiet light. We are left to wonder, "what do I do with that?" Or to think, "Well, I guess I'll just sit here and wait for greatness."
   What I realized was that the day dawned. Quietly and dimly, but a new day came. There was light and there was inspiration. When I chose to change my focus, there were birds in the tree and fowl in the water. Each one, according to it's kind, starting their day to do the work given to them.
  And so did I. I didn't wait for a dramatic, sunrise moment of hallelujahs to move forward. In the stillness of this ascending light, I got to work. Doing things that were difficult for me and finding rays of sunshine in them.
   The light to work from is there within each of us. Change your focus to see yours.

Damn, there are signs.

     I'm going along, living a pleasant life, when BAM an idea enters my head. It's a good idea, but it would interfere with my pleasant life. So I question it's validity as a good idea. After all, who would give up a pleasant life for something that might be uncomfortable? That can't be a good idea.
     Then; damn; it happens, there are signs. Something goes and shows me that it is, in fact, a good idea. My life just got less than pleasant.
     Now I know that when the idea is fully formed and functioning my life is going to be, at very least, more pleasant. But in the interim there are going to be tired muscles and a strained brain, like I need to strain my poor brain.
     But the signs are there. So I progress. There are times when the validity of this idea are questioned. Then there are signs. I'm glad for the signs now, sort of. Cause, let's face it, I could back to my pleasant life if the signs went away.
    Then one day I roll up to a sign that reads "STOP". I am upset because I have put so much effort into the idea. But no matter how much I rev the engine, stop I must.
    I remember now what "STOP" means: Come to a full stop, yield the right-of-way to vehicles and pedestrians in or approaching the intersection. Go when it is safe.
   Not turn off your car you're done. Go when it's safe.
   Slow, easy turn onto an empty road or gunning it between heavy traffic, GO!
   What idea did you abandon in the middle of the road?
   Grab the keys darling. It's going to ride rough for a while. But when it's fine tuned it's going to be a beauty.
   

Slow Ascent

When you hit rock bottom there are two choices: hang on to something and drown; become stiff, cold and lifeless or use the bottom for momentum and push off to get back to the top.

I made the choice to head back to the top. I have discovered a few important things no one told me.

     First, all those obstacles I hit on the way down that broke off rather than breaking my fall, they are now jagged edges sticking out. If I ascend too quickly they will cut me and cause me stinging pain. So I have slowed down so I can use those objects as handles to guide my way back up. Taking control of where that painful memory is in my life and using it to my advantage.

Second, the light is blinding and disorienting. I have to know which way is up, but keep my head straight so I can stay aware of my place. Becoming too focused on where I want to be causes me to lose sight of where I am. By keeping my head straight I can still see the light, while controlling the ascent.

Third, as any diver will tell you, ascending too fast will make my eardrums explode or I’ll get the bends. Lord knows I don’t need any more ear issues. Going fast will get me to the top, at the cost of severe physical pain.

 Finally, when I do reach the top, the work isn’t over. Once I’m there I have to figure out which way to swim to get to a safe place. It isn’t enough to survive. I want to thrive. There has to be strength for the swim.

Hitting bottom is difficult and painful. Getting back to the top is a lot of work. In order to enjoy the paradise you want so badly, all the sharp, stinging, painful obstacles have to be transformed to tools of growth and strength. Getting to the top fast is a painful, bloody mess that leaves you without enough strength for the swim ahead.

I know it’s difficult; I’m in the midst of it myself, to accept the idea of slow and steady. The island paradise that awaits us is beautiful. I, for one, want to be mentally and physically healthy to enjoy it.