Dying Living

In my life I have had dreams. Those dreams have always included someone else. In the last couple of years I have been working on my dreams. This isn't easy for the mom, born pleaser, thinker of all others that is me. It has also been difficult to over come the idea that I am worth having my dream come true. As hard as those have been, they aren't the worst obstacles.
   The hardest obstacle has been sensibility.
Is it sensible for me to spend time writing when the house needs to be cleaned?
Is it sensible for me to be formatting a manuscript when I could be working a second job?
Is it sensible for me to spend the money on a writing workshop when I have bills to pay?

Well, yeah, it is sensible. It is because this is my passion and craft and hearts desire. I have done all the sensible things I was told I was supposed to do and ended up with holes in my life story.

So, I'm going to be insensible. There will be dishes in the sink. I will live meagerly. I will pay minimums a little longer.

When I die I will say I followed my hearts desire and life was good.

I'm dying living. In loving honor of Diane, who taught me to see the world for real. The pictures don't do it justice.

Super Heros only live forever in comic books.

    It was inevitable. The time had to come. That moment of lost innocence, when a generation realizes that they aren't going to live forever. They may have experienced loss before now. Someone older or a pet, but this is different. Someone their age dies and they face mortality. The realization that the super hero persona they have been exhibiting is a farce, a story, an escape.
    Escape is what some will look for. Don't get close to anyone, you don't have to hurt. Pretend it didn't happen, don't hurt. That isn't an escape, simply a well disguised pretense that will send you to hours of therapy later.
   Some will be thrown back into the daily grind of life, scratching out an existence and hoping for time to feel.
   Others will recognize that it's pain and it will pass, will grieve. Doing so is healthy, but remember to stop grieving and move on to a new appreciation for happy.
   It is part of the shaping of adults. A part that the generation before them had hoped would wait a while longer. But it is here. Innocence is lost. That which you knew you knew, but now you know, will never leave you.
   Pain is energy. Make the choice to turn that energy to positive motion. Grieve, miss, regret, learn, smile, honor, love. Know that you're not alone. The generation before you went through it too. That's why we love you so much.
   Pray.
  

The sun may not be shining, but a new day is dawning

   I got up before dawn today. I made the choice to not roll over and go back to sleep. Having gathered a cup of coffee, a pastry and a note pad; I waited for the sunrise. Sure that it would be magnificent, I was ready to be inspired. But the sun didn't rise. Well, of course it rose, but it couldn't be seen. Lightness evolved, but there was no dramatic sunrise.
   How often life is like that. We sit, posed and ready for greatness; instead we get quiet light. We are left to wonder, "what do I do with that?" Or to think, "Well, I guess I'll just sit here and wait for greatness."
   What I realized was that the day dawned. Quietly and dimly, but a new day came. There was light and there was inspiration. When I chose to change my focus, there were birds in the tree and fowl in the water. Each one, according to it's kind, starting their day to do the work given to them.
  And so did I. I didn't wait for a dramatic, sunrise moment of hallelujahs to move forward. In the stillness of this ascending light, I got to work. Doing things that were difficult for me and finding rays of sunshine in them.
   The light to work from is there within each of us. Change your focus to see yours.